Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in fhgoaliediver01's LiveJournal:

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Monday, November 5th, 2007
10:34 pm	Hello to whomever still reads this. Things have drastically improved since the last time I updated. My life is not looking up, it's up there already. Classes are going great. Last year the highest grade i ever got was like a B, pathetic to the straight A I had all my life. This year my lowest grade on a test was an 89 so far. I have straight A's. take that ithaca college, im going to acheive the impossible and keep my scholarship. Field hockey ended two days ago. it was an up and down season i started most of the games. the last couple i didnt play cause i was injured. i love the sport, and the team, but coach houk plays with your head so much that i don't want to play anymore. i heard she may be leaving next year, so that would be a delight. I love it here, i love living in my single, i love not having to put up with that fuckface of a roommate. I love AJ! but you already knew that. He's my best friend. And we're going to spend the rest of our life together. I know it seems that we're too young to be saying that, but we're not going to rush into anything. Honestly I don't see how we won't make it. We communicate so well, on top of a billion other things that makes this realationship so wonderful. Next year were planning to move off campus into an apartment. and so begins our adult life... (Comment on this)
Tuesday, June 12th, 2007
2:09 am	I feel like I should update more then I just did. My current battle is a religous one. I've been raised Catholic all my life, but lately I've been questioning it. Actually ever since Chris' death. I don't understand why God (if there is one) took him. I've heard that he was taken because he was too good and he shouldn't suffer here one earth. BUT HE WASN'T SUFFERING. He wasn't sick. It was a freak accident. He was happy here. And there's that whole "God needed him" No. God didn't need him. We need him. We need him, here to brighten our day and teach us the right way to live. God is being selfish. After Chris's death my life went downhill, everything went wrong, I was so miserable, I would cry for and hour or two a day. I became depressed, started self injuring, and almost developed an eating disorder. I tried going to Church, I prayed all the time. But God never helped me, things just got worse and worse. The only way I made it through school was because of AJ. He carried me when i was so broken down. I don't think he'll ever realize how much he helped me. I remembered the Footsteps passage where God and a guy were walking on beach and at the worst times of his life there was only one set of footsteps, and the guy got angry because he thought god had left him, but god said thats when i carried you. those footprints are my own. Then theres all those Catholic traditions...im a horrible catholic according to their teachings. Like current issues such as abortion and stem cell research. both of which the Catholic Church considers a horrible sin, i support (well i mean im not like yay abortion...im pro choice). I just think the strict traditions are outdated. Its hard to find people theses days that adhear to them. Maybe I'm just not cut out to be a Catholic. And another influence is AJ, he's an atheist, and he asks me questions when I talk about religion...stuff like why this and why that....and you know...i can never answer them...or they never make sense...why should i believe this stuff...who says its true? and you know you feel a lot less guilty when you dont have a million strict teachings to live by or else your a horrible person...just because i dont believe in god doesnt mean i dont have morals. Im a good person. I try to be just. I dont need to be perfect. thats the end of my religious rant, im looking for a new religion...maybe. I'm never going to get over the death of Chris...It think about him all the time. I can't believe that he's gone...forever. I don't want to believe it. I still don't think i've fully realized he's gone...my mind is protecting me from it. I wish i had stayed longer after the funeral...i thought it was best to go back to kepp myself distracted, but i never got to really mourn...so now im doing it, only its not helping at all. I wanted to tease him when he was older about embarassing things he did when he was little, I wanted to see him get his first girlfriend,i wanted to see what he would be like as a teenager, i thought about that a lot when he was alive, he was the only person that i watch since he was born grow up, i wanted to know what he was going to be. im not ok. Current Mood: miserable Current Music: mad world- gary jules (Comment on this)
1:11 am	Really personally survey that I felt I needed to do. The Typical Your name: Chelsea Your age: 19 Your location: bedroom General Angst Name at least five of your favourite bands: 1. Red Hot Chili Peppers 2. Blue October 3. Vertical Horizon 4. Rusted Root 5. Rolling Stones How often to do you listen to music? All the time Does your mood reflect your choice of music? yes What is your normal state of mind? thinking. Name three things you can't stand in a person: dishonesty, self centered, not intelligent Name one person you can't stand in general: ex- roommate And one thing you hate about society:people are fake Depression, Disorders, and Suffering Do you suffer from depression? I'm pretty sure I suffered from it from after chris's death to just recently, i was under a lot of stress b/c of school and fh and everything didnt go right. Have you ever been diagnosed with any personality disorders or other mental disorders? not diagnosed, but while i was depressed i suffered from what appeared to be borderline personality disorder Are you on any medication? not for the afore mentioned stuff If so, does it help?n/a Have you ever seen a psychiatrist/psychologist?I was supposed to Do you self-injure? yes, its part of the personality disorder, ive stopped though, Have you ever contemplated suicide? no never. Attempted suicide? no i would never so that. Is there anything in particular that triggers your depression/disorder? I was dealing with the death of Chris who was practically my brother, trying to pull up my grades with the huge course load i had, i was studying non stop which made me miserable, and my father kept pointing out how i wasnt good enough, my roommate made my life hell, and I was trying to play field hockey all at once, i felpt like i was drowning. It took a lot to get me depresed. Is there anything that can make you feel better? AJ, he's the one I need to go to. What do you do when you hit an extreme low? When I was at my lowest I would cry for at least an hour each day on AJ's bed. How long have you been depressed/had your disorder? since febuary,but im pretty much over it now Have you ever had a stay in the psych ward or a private hospital? no. Relationships How many relationships have you been in? 3 AJ twice and John Who is your worst ex? John What is the longest relationship you've ever been in? This one. Are you a virgin? no If so, is that a choice or a lack of opportunity. n/a If not, who did you lose it to, how old were you, and how do you feel about that now? AJ, 18, feel fine because I truely do love him. Name one thing you hated about each ex while you were still dating: John was a wimp. How many people have dumped you? John and I mutually broke up, Who did you have the hardest time getting over? AJ...i never got over him fully, even when i was with John Have you ever been in an abusive relationship? no. Have you ever been in love with anyone you dated? yes Are you still? yes If not, what happened? ------ Family Name all immediate family members: 1. mom 2. dad 3. Chad 4. Brett If you have siblings, who do you get along with best?I used to get along with brett more but now chad, because brett is never around, but i get into huge fights with chad... Do you still live with any family members? when im home..mom dad and chad If so, which parent do you get along with best? mom def If not, how long ago did you move out? 10 months ago Are your parents married/divorced/separated? married. Have any close family members died? grandma, and chris....i considered him my little brother How well do you get on with your family? depends on who... Have you ever been kicked out? no. Have you ever run away? no If so, did you return? ....... Are there any family members you no longer speak to? most of my family doesnt talk to each other...we're huge Your choice or theirs? a combination. If you could change one thing about your father, you'd change: i would make him less concerned abpout money, less old fashioned, less temper. If you could change one thing about your mother, you'd change: less lazy, less dramatic, more intelligent If you could change one thing about each sibling, you'd change: stop them from going out with crazy gfs, make chad less lazy, and brett make him come home more often Are you happy with your home life? Why or Why Not? not really, becuase im always in fight with my brother or dad....i seriously haven't spoken to my dad and 3 weeks And thats a very personal survey....that i just felt i need to fill out, but didnt want to do on myspace since id get a million questions asked. But you guys don't need to worry, im fine now. It was the worst year of my life, but ever since summer started I feel like things are finally going right again. No one except AJ knows about all this stuff, not my parents not my best friends. Because AJ was the one that was always there. I honestly believe I wouldn't have made it through the second semester without him. I love him very much. Can I just add that he brought me flowers when he picked me up tonight? I can't even begin to explain how much he means to me, he's helped me through so much. gah.<3 Current Mood: loved Current Music: A quiet mind- Blue October (Comment on this)
Saturday, March 17th, 2007
1:45 am	pointless Step 1: Put your iTunes or Ipod or whatever on shuffle. Step 2: Post the first line from the first 20 songs that play, no matter how embarrassing the song. Step 3: Have people guess the songs. 1: All my bags are packed, I'm ready to go. 2: It's hard to remember how it felt before, now that i found the love of my life. 3: she take my money, well im in need 4: I'm gonna be a mighty king, so enemies beware 5: Two days past 18 he was waiting for a bus in his army greens 6: They see me rollin, they hatin 7: I'm so high i can hear heavan 8: I'm supposed to be the soldier,who never blows his composure 9: some people say a man is made out of mud 10: she grew up with the children of the stars 11: well my friends the time has come, raise the roof and have some fun 12: shes a good girl, loves her mama 13: 10% luck, 20 % skill, 15% concentrated power of will, 5% pleasure, and 50% pain 14: do you remeber when we first me, i sure do 15: sunrise, sunrise, looks like morning in your eyes 16: i woke up and called this morning, the tone of your voice was a warning 17: She's got a smile that seems to me 18: reluctantly crouched at the starting line 19: dont cry to me if you love me 20: rising up, back on the street Current Mood: confused (Comment on this)
Monday, March 12th, 2007
10:01 pm	It's been ahwhile. So much has happened in the last five months. So many life alternating experiences. Where should I begin. College is kicking my ass. I am almost sure I have a learning disability, because I study for literally 3-4 hours a day for anatomy and know the material and I go to take the test and i get a 51, but its like that when I take any test. It's not even that I go into the test thinking i will fail...i go in confident. It's frustrating because i can't do anything about it and theres a possibilty that i could lose my scholarship or get kicked out of my major, since the only thing our grades are based on are tests. Field hockey started again a month ago, well lifting and cardio workouts at least. Our spring season will start april 1st, and we have 6 am practices ....woooo hooo! Its just going to be me so far as goalie in the spring. because court is playing lacrosse. I see this as a great opportunity because it will put me ahead when it comes to next season. I want to be the started. In august the team will be travelling to barbados for a week, it will be amazing to play against teams from another country. Let's see what else, John and I broke up, which was fine, I was tired of playing games and waiting around, and having pretty much every promise made to me broken. It was fun for ahwhile, and i've learned not to take crap from anyone. On the topic of relationships, AJ and I are back together, and its better then ever. I finally know what a real relationship is like. We're keeping it sorta quiet though, because we don't want our friends at college to make a big deal about it. And if you think about it, does it really matter for everyone to know you're together...no...its for the two of you, not everyone. On a sadder not, a month ago Chris Johnson died, he was my two best friends little brother, he was my little brother, i visited him when he was born, i watched him grow up, and all of a sudden he was gone, he was only 10 years old. because of a freak ski accident. It's unreal. i didnt want to beleive it. he was so young, and one of the most amazing, generous people you could have met. It broke my heart to see em and liz and their parents be so sad and know what they were going through, i dont think i've ever cried that hard. The images from the funeral are burned into my memory forever. so thats pretty much what has happend in the last few months. (Comment on this)
Tuesday, November 28th, 2006
5:37 pm	random update were were talking about how none of us ever updated anymore so i decided to. last two months in review: ~i love field hockey and its my life ~im taking way too many classes next semester and my advisor is confused to whether im a sophomore or freshman. ~thanksgiving break pretty much sucked, except for spending time with my woodliners ~ i love my woodliners, and i miss them very much. ( Read more... ) - Pick your birth month. - Bold the five-ten that best apply to you. - Copy to your own journal, with all twelve months under a lj-cut JULY: Fun to be with. Secretive. Difficult to fathom and to be understood. Quiet unless excited or tensed. Takes pride in oneself. Has reputation. Easily consoled. Honest. Concerned about people's feelings. Tactful. Friendly. Approachable. Emotional temperamental and unpredictable. Moody and easily hurt. Witty and sparkly. Not revengeful. Forgiving but never forgets. Dislikes nonsensical and unnecessary things. Guides others physically and mentally. Sensitive and forms impressions carefully. Caring and loving. Treats others equally. Strong sense of sympathy. Wary and sharp. Judges people through observations. Hardworking. No difficulties in studying. Loves to be alone. Always broods about the past and the old friends. Likes to be quiet. Homely person. Waits for friends. Never looks for friends. Not aggressive unless provoked. Prone to having stomach and dieting problems. Loves to be loved. Easily hurt but takes long to recover. ( Read more... ) those are the rest of the months (Comment on this)
Wednesday, October 11th, 2006
12:24 am	im playing tomorrow... ( Read more... ) Current Mood: pissed off Current Music: We Are the Champions queen (Comment on this)
Sunday, October 8th, 2006
4:51 am	just like a star across the sky I'm doing some surveys because i'm in no mood to go out. ( Read more... ) please pray for jamie... (Comment on this)
Monday, September 25th, 2006
8:27 pm	So if you didn't know I'm very homesick. My mom and steph were supposed to visit me this weekend but they ended up deciding not to come. John won't be able to make it this weekend either. And i'm not going home for another two months. I'm jealous of all the people who can go home...cause i would in a heartbeat. I absolutely love playing field hockey, but when i'm not playing it thats when i get homesick. Like today we had the day off so i didnt know what to do with myself.I mean I like the day off cause it gives us time to recouperate, but all i do is sit around then. I've been thinking alot these past two days...and i really don't know what i got myself into. Field hockey has definitley taken a toll on me, especailly after that run...my legs aren't sore anymore but they're so tired i can't move. Also my shin splint/ fracture thingy came back...and now ive got shin splints at the top of my shins now too. Even Coach jones noticed that i wasnt playing like i usually do. people are soo far away too johns 100 miles away, my family 160, most of my friends 180, maggies like 4000 miles away in belgium, and chad is 4600 miles away in Alaska...i never thought that when maggie went to belgium on a whole different continent...that i would be closer to her then my brother who is in the same country. I need to play some field hockey.... Current Mood: lonely Current Music: Home- micheal buble (1 Comment |Comment on this)
5:05 pm	What the hell did I get myself into? Current Mood: gloomy (Comment on this)
Sunday, September 24th, 2006
10:13 pm	i hope it wasnt my coat! ( Read more... ) Current Mood: giggly Current Music: your a god- vertical horizon (Comment on this)
Saturday, September 23rd, 2006
10:01 pm	booooooredd ( Read more... ) we cant go out this weekend......kinda bored, but ill get some work done...im so excited john comes this friiiidaaaay!!!!!!!!!! Current Mood: hungry Current Music: sexy back (Comment on this)
Sunday, September 17th, 2006
1:37 pm	What an update? i'm waiting to go to brunch right now so i decided to randomly update? I've been at college for 4 weeks today! Almost a whole month. I love it here. The classes arent that tough compared to the 4 AP courses i took last year. I absolutely love field hockey. The team is amazing! I want to play all the time now, even though some of the practice are brutal and its definitely taken a toll on my body. We've had 5 games already, the first 2 we lost 6-0, and 4-1 against TCNJ and Houghton. Then we won against the #1 team utica 2-1, then brockport 1-0, and then yesterday we made history by beating hartwick 2-1 in double overtime. We are the first time to beat both hartwick and utica in the same season. Yesterdays game was amazing! I've never seen field hockey played like that, it was so intense. So right now we're number one in the Empire 8 league. Umm i guess there not that much to update, I'm not going home till thanksgiving which is over 2 months away...it's going to be weird to go back to scotia. I kinda miss it, i bet i won't when i'm there...seeing as there's nothing there. I guess there's only two things i really miss(besides people. one is swimmming...i really really miss practices, if i could do two sports here i would join the swim team in a heartbeat. I get jealous of people when i see them wearing swim sweatshirts...etc. I guess i got really into it this past summer. i would try to go to the pool sometimes but i need to save my energy for fh/ dont't have time. I could go swimming on sundays but that the only day that we have off and i definitely need to relax. The other thing that i miss is my varstiy fh team, it was so much fun, i miss being the best...and making 40 saves a game. Oh but don't get me wrong, i'd rather play college fh...its real fh. OH! Funny story time! The other night Ally, Krista, Courtney and i decided to go find the cliffs that you jump off of. So we listened to some guy that told us to take a bunch of lefts...now we got started on this journey around 7PM so it was already starting to get dark. So we follow a path, get stalked by some deer, then we decided to follow the water sounds through the woods. By this time it was really dark already...finally we come across some water...turns out to be a sewage plant...seeing as it was extremely dark...like practically pitch black out we deicided it was not the best idea to go wandering through the woods...we found a road and decided to walk uphill since IC is up on the top of a hill. Now this road had no lights, and only a few houses and ran through the woods. Finally we came across another road and we decide to call the sophmores to ask them if they had any clue where we were, they didnt...they had to mapquest us. It seems that we were in the next county or something like that...like miles off campus, and we had been walking the wrong direction...so they came and saved us....thats my tale of my first time being legitimately lost. Ahh today is a day off! And it's gorgeous out! Current Mood: rejuvenated Current Music: I've Been Everywhere- Johnny Cash (Comment on this)
Thursday, August 31st, 2006
10:46 am	( Read more... ) Current Mood: hungry Current Music: seasons of love (Comment on this)
Wednesday, August 30th, 2006
10:37 pm	the days are better the nights are still so lonely... ( Read more... ) Today was the first day of classes, i had 4 today...bio, gerentology, web delvelopement, and emergency care for the health professional...it was a long day...not looking foward to it. Tomorrow i dont have to be to class til 1:10...just anatomy and physiology tomorrow...i usually have lab at 9:35 but they're holding off till next week. im excited for fh! i kinda missed it today, but i liked the break, yesterday was tough but it felt good, we had 4 suicides and then a 4.2 mile run down then back up the hill....it was tough. we got our uniforms and etc yesterday too. Current Mood: melancholy Current Music: cab-train (Comment on this)
12:46 am	just a survey ( Read more... ) Current Mood: anxious Current Music: nothing (Comment on this)
Sunday, August 27th, 2006
11:37 pm	i've been here a week So i moved into college a week ago today. Field hockey is intense but i absolutly love it and all the girls on the team. And i have officially made the team. I'll be #00. I'm so excited. I've been a little homesick the last few days but once kristen got here and everyone else too, im not really anymore...but i still miss many people very much so. I called my parents today and told them all the stuff that i've been doing, and they asked if i was doing my laudry and etc...and i realized how much i've grown up in the last week. like i went to the bookstore the minute it opened on the first day to buy as many used books as i could...idk i just realized what a good job my parents did at raising me. I'm mean i was lazy as shit at home, and i know they were worried about me, but they did a very good job, because im doing very well okay im off to bed...early fh tomorrow Current Mood: cheerful Current Music: none (Comment on this)
Monday, August 21st, 2006
12:59 pm	I'm a college kid now So i'm sitting here in my dorm right now all by myself. I've been here for exactly a day. Saying goodbye to everyone was tough, especially john. I miss everyone! i got here yesterday at like 12:30. It only took like 2.5 hours to get here. moving in wasnt that tough, and my parents pretty much left right away. So i unpacked almost everything, i still have to put pictures up and orgnaize some stuff. The room is nice, I'm on the second floor and i can see part of lake cayuga and the cornell campus from my window, its awesome! I like landon, its close to the dining hall. but im gonna have to trapse like all the way across campus for my AT classes. So far it's been okay. There really isnt anyone in my dorm yet, well i havent ran into anyone. And I'm pretty sure im the only girl on campus right now. It's kinda awkward. And yesterday I went to go get some dinner, seeing as i hadn't eaten in over a day only to find out that i couldn't use my id like they said i could, so i figured no problem i've got money i'll go to the cafe or one of the stores. Yeah they were closed, and i was very unhappy. So i couldnt eat till like a half hour ago. That's like 2 days without food, pssht freshman 15 my ass! My RA stopped by my room last night, he seems really cool. I have 2 hours till i need to be at my coach's office for the med screening and the team meeting. Ahhhh i'm not quite sure how i feel about college just yet, i like being on my own, but i've never been more alone in my life, i don't know a single person here, but it doesnt really bother me too much. i mean in a few days everyone will be here. and i'll have my team too. I just really miss everyone back home. Okay i just ate probably like 4 times my body weight in food, and my stomach is still growling Current Mood: okay Current Music: hands-jewel (Comment on this)
Thursday, August 17th, 2006
2:39 am	just surveys ( Read more... ) Current Mood: tired Current Music: ice ice baby- vanilla ice (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, August 15th, 2006
7:33 pm	survey ( Read more... ) Current Mood: busy Current Music: Going away to college- blink 182 (Comment on this)